


Intruder

by LostCauses (Anteros)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, broomverse, smut and nonsense, with apologies to moblit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:00:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24447715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anteros/pseuds/LostCauses
Summary: In which an intruder discovers he has the wrong address, and Erwin discovers he has a danger boner.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 56
Kudos: 226
Collections: Eruri Broomverse





	Intruder

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is for @lulapinn, who drew my attention to this hilarious news report: 
> 
> [Men hired for sexual fantasy break into wrong house](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-australia-52843846)
>
>> In a sex fantasy gone wrong, two men with machetes entered the wrong house in New South Wales, Australia, before quickly realising their error. One of them has now been acquitted of entering a home armed with a weapon in July 2019, Australian media report. They had been hired to carry out a client's fantasy of being tied up in his underwear and stroked with a broom. The judge concluded that "the facts of the case are unusual". The role play was arranged over Facebook by a man near Griffith, New South Wales, who provided his address to the hired pair. "He was willing to pay A$5,000 if it was 'really good'," the judge said.
>> 
>> A lawyer for one of the accused, said: "It was a commercial agreement to tie up and stroke a semi-naked man in his underpants with a broom. Entry was not with intent to intimidate."
> 
> This fic now has a sequel! Please go and read [Intruder: The Morning After](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24462766) by the wonderful @Elivra. Two sequels! Go read [Intruder: The Follow Up](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24474415) by @TheIndifferentDroid. It's priceless XD
> 
> Many thanks to applethief326 for translating this ridiculous fic into [Chinese](http://weibointl.api.weibo.com/share/160594871.html?weibo_id=4528517343089166).

Erwin woke with a jolt.

“Don’t fucking move,” an unfamiliar voice growled. “Any funny business and I’ll slit your throat.” 

Erwin froze, heart hammering in his chest, as the unmistakable edge of a blade pressed against his throat. 

In the darkness, he heard a soft fumbling, then the familiar click of the bedside lamp. The room was bathed in a soft glow and Erwin found himself face to face with a man he had never seen before. He was short and muscular, dressed all in black, but for a white bandana covering the lower half of his face, and he holding a very, _very_ large knife. Momentarily, the man pulled the blade away from Erwin’s throat, tossed it in the air, caught it with ease and pressed it back against Erwin’s neck before he could even catch his breath. 

“If it’s money you want,” Erwin said carefully, “my wallet is on the table in the hall. I haven’t got any other valuables in the house.” 

“Think you can buy your way out of this?” The man hissed, fisting his hand in Erwin’s hair and yanking his head back to expose his throat. 

“No!” Erwin gasped. “Please, take what ever you want, take anything.”

“You’re not going to get rid of me that easily blondie,” Erwin could hear the smirk in the intruder’s voice even though he couldn’t see his mouth. The man hesitated for a moment, thin brows twitched upwards, before adding, “You dirty motherfucker.”

Erwin blinked. In that moment of hesitation before the man spoke, Erwin noticed three incongruous things; firstly the man appeared to be oddly nervous, secondly he was carrying a _broom_ , of all things, and thirdly he had the most beautiful blue-grey eyes Erwin had ever seen. 

“You’re filthy, aren’t you?” The man purred. “Fucking filthy.” 

Something in Erwin’s stomach flipped over, something that was entirely at odds with the knife pressing against his throat and the fear beating in his chest. 

Suddenly the man looked up, glancing around the room.

“Where’s the chair?” he asked.

“What?” Erwin croaked, his voice rough with fear.

“The chair, where’s the fucking chair?” The man whipped back round to glare at Erwin, brows furrowing into a furious frown. “There’s supposed to be a chair to tie you to.” 

“I’m…I’m…sorry,” Erwin stammered, hoping to appease the interloper. “I haven’t got a chair up here.” 

The man rolled his eyes and huffed in annoyance. Had it not been for the large knife that was still pressed against Erwin’s windpipe, the effect would have been comical. 

“Shit. I guess this’ll have to do,” he muttered, before adding with a menacing growl. “Hands on the headboard. One wrong move and I’ll gut you.” 

“Okay, okay. I won’t. I promise.” 

Erwin slowly pulled his hands from under the quilt and lifted them above his head. Laying the knife aside on the bedside table, the man quickly secured Erwin’s wrist to the headboard with zip ties. 

“That’ll hold you.” 

The man tugged at Erwin’s wrist to test his handiwork and that peculiar heat flared in his stomach again. 

“You’re in trouble now, you dirty fucker.” The man continued, then without warning, he yanked the quilt right off the bed. 

Erwin gasped and squirmed as the cold air hit his naked skin. The man’s eyes blew wide as his gaze slid down Erwin’s body to his cock, which twitched treacherously against his thigh. 

“Holy shit…” the man breathed softly. 

A million panicked thoughts raced through Erwin’s head and he squeezed his eyes shut, even as he tried to will away the heat pooling in his groin.

“You always sleep like this?” the man asked, and this time the smirk was clear in his voice. 

“Yes?” Erwin replied uncertainly, opening his eyes to find the man standing over him holding the broom. Oddly, he looked more intimidating brandishing the broom than the knife. Even more oddly, it did nothing to douse the heat and pressure building in Erwin’s cock. 

“Fucking filthy…” the man hissed, as he brought the broom down onto Erwin’s chest. Erwin flinched in shock, but the touch was surprisingly gentle, the soft bristles rasping against the hair on his chest, sweeping over his stomach. Erwin's breath caught in his throat as it brushed over the sensitive skin of his cock, half hard now and getting harder by the minute. 

“You’re a dirty bastard, Berner,” the man growled as he lifted the brush for a second sweep. “You need a good cleaning, filthy fucker.” 

Erwin blinked, his brain reeling from the unexpected shock and equally unexpected arousal. 

“Wait! What did you call me?” 

The man paused, broom hovering over above Erwin’s body. 

“What,” he sneered, “you going to tell me you’re not Moblit Berner? Think you can get away with it that easily?” 

“Yes! No! I’m not Moblit Berner!”

The man froze. 

“I’ve never even heard that name before.” Erwin continued desperately. “I’m Smith. Erwin Smith.” 

“You’re shitting me?” The man said slowly, lowering the broom. 

“I swear to god, my name is Erwin Smith.” 

“So you’re really not Moblit Berner? Of 78 New South Wales Avenue?”

“This is 78 New South Wales Avenue,” Erwin replied earnestly, “but I’m Erwin Smith. I don’t know anyone called Moblit Berner, I promise you.” 

“Fuck.” The man dropped the broom and sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. 

Suddenly a thought occurred to Erwin. “There’s a New South Wales Drive a block away from here, maybe you’ve got the wrong address?”

“ _Fuck._ ” The man placed his head in his hands and groaned. It was an oddly arousing sound and Erwin’s cock throbbed in response. “Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck._ ” The man continued unhelpfully. 

“Look,” Erwin said, “I don’t know what’s going on, but there’s obviously been some misunderstanding. If you’ll just let me go….” 

“You’re really not Moblit Berner?” The man sat up and turned around to look at Erwin. The bandana had slipped from his face and Erwin couldn’t help noticing that, despite looking utterly mortified, he was quite breathtakingly attractive. 

“I’m really not.” Erwin shook his head.

“Fuck. Fucking Hange. I’m going to fucking kill them.” 

“Please don’t kill anyone,” Erwin said, eyeing the knife that was lying apparently forgotten on the bedside table. “Look, why don’t you untie me, and then you can go, and we’ll pretend this never happened.” 

“You won’t call the cops?” The man looked at Erwin dubiously. 

“I promise.” Erwin said, mustering all the sincerity he could manage. 

“Ok, hold still.” 

Picking up the knife, the man carefully slid the blade under the zip ties and deftly slit them open. 

“Thank you,” Erwin, rubbed his wrists gratefully. “Do you mind if I…?” He gestured to the pile of clothes lying on the chest at the end of the bed. 

“Please.” The man replied dryly. “Put some fucking clothes on, before you put someone’s eye out with that.” 

Erwin scrambled off the bed and hastily pulled on his clothes. When he turned around he found the man standing sheepishly in the corner fidgeting with the broom. It was only now that Erwin was standing that he realized just how small the man was by comparison. He was a good head shorter than Erwin, and with his shoulders slumped, looking utterly dejected, he appeared even smaller still. 

“You honestly won’t call the police?” He asked, peering up at Erwin from beneath dark bangs that fell over his forehead. 

“I promise,” Erwin placed his hand on his heart. “Listen, why don’t we go down to the kitchen, I’ll make coffee, and you can tell me what all this is about.” 

The man hesitated for a moment, fidgeting with the broom handle. 

“Do you have tea?” he asked. 

“Do you have a name?” 

The man frowned for a moment before answering. 

“Levi.”

“Tea it is then Levi.” 

“So let me get this straight,” Erwin started, as he placed a cup of freshly brewed tea in front of Levi, and sat down at the table with his own coffee. “Your friend Angie…”

“Hange,” Levi corrected, taking a dainty sip of his tea. 

“Hange.” Erwin continued, “paid you to break into her…” 

“Their.” 

“Their?” 

“Their. Hange’s a they, not a her.” 

“Okay. So Hange paid you to break into their boyfriend’s house to intimidate him with a knife. And a broom?” 

“More or less,” Levi winced. 

“And do you do this kind of thing often?” 

“What? No! Of course I fucking don’t. What kind of an asshole do you take me for?” 

“The kind of asshole who breaks into someone’s house to intimidate them with a knife and a broom.” Erwin replied flatly. 

“Okay, fuck you.” Levi huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Why did your friend think this was a good idea in the first place?” 

“I don’t know!” Levi shrugged hopelessly. “Hange’s into all kinds of weird shit, and they met this new guy who’s also into weird shit apparently, so it’s a match made in heaven. This was supposed to be a surprise for his birthday. Hange swore he was in on it, told him to expect the unexpected or some shit. They gave me the wrong fucking address though. I wouldn’t have done it, but I really needed the money.” 

“How much did they offer to pay you?” Erwin asked out of curiosity.

“They said they’d give me $5,000 if I did it really good” he replied miserably. 

Erwin whistled. 

“Well, if it’s any consolation, you were pretty good.” 

“Really?”

“Oh yes. You’re _very_ intimidating.” 

“Does this mean you’re into that weird shit too?” Levi eyed Erwin suspiciously over the rim of his teacup.

“I don’t know,” Erwin replied honestly. “Maybe you could help me find out?” 

“Maybe I could,” Levi nodded, hiding his smile behind his teacup. “Maybe I could.”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Intruder: The Morning After](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24462766) by [Elivra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elivra/pseuds/Elivra)




End file.
